The Thoughts Inside My Head
by BirdofParadise
Summary: LL (Post S4 Finale) - Luke and Lorelai comtemplate recent events before finding their way back to each other. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1 Lorelai's Perspective

I have always had a way with words. They have always been my weapons of choice. Sometimes they serve to mask the gnawing feeling in my stomach I get in times of uncertainty, guilt, shame, and just about any other state of mind my mother, Saint Emily Gilmore, would not approve of. Sometimes, I use words to express the general chaos in my head. Seriously, it's crowded up there. Too many thoughts, ideas, worries, assorted dirtiness, and emotions. All milling about, having a party. So, it is rare, - we're talking Heart of the Ocean diamond rare -, that I am at a loss for words.  
  
But when it comes to Luke... especially now, after what has happened... I can't seem to find the words.  
  
Suuuuure. We've had this ranting, flirting, nauseatingly co-dependent relationship for years. But, in 10 glorious seconds, everything has changed. Shifted. Transformed.  
  
He kissed me. I kissed him. We almost kissed each other. Damn that Kirk.  
  
But, of course, nothing good ever lasts forever. I mean, a box of malomars hardly ever makes it through the day. Coffee? Downed in 30 seconds flat. And, that amazing buzz of warmth and sexuality and desire that overtook me after those 10 glorious seconds? It lasted about a half hour. Before my world came crashing on my head, with the weight of a giant elephant with a 400 pound man sitting on top of it.  
  
Rory... my baby, my angel, my hope, my salvation... slept with Dean. Not just Dean, but married Dean, Lindsey's Dean. And, my angel lost her wings and became human. I suppose it was wrong of me to assume that she would be perfect forever. But, I could dream right? I could secretly wish that she would never make mistakes in the same realm as the mistakes I made growing up, right? I could pray that she would have a more rational take on life than me, ... and of course the ability to keep her knees shut when she should (ie: when being wooed by a married ex-boyfriend). But, hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? In a way, I feel like I've failed. Rory slept with married Dean. But, I feel like the one who has failed. Weird, isn't it? How motherhood works. For the first time ever, I feel like I may understand what my own mother went through 19 years ago. The feeling of failure in the face of her daughter's mistake.   
  
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

So, Luke and I have kissed. And, not just kissed as you would kiss your grandmother. Or your dog. But, KISSED... with the force of passion and all the elements of the universe coming together, juxtaposing our bodies into a perfect fit, rendering our minds senseless.  
  
It felt so right.  
  
And, now... I can't even really dwell on it. I have to concentrate on my daughter. On my child... who isn't a child anymore. I have to make this... this craziness... better for her. That is my priority.  
  
Luke ... oh wow Luke... will have to wait.  
  
Rory slept with me on my bed last night. She couldn't even venture into her room. It was just this blatant reminder of her indiscretion, her mistake, ... her colossal debacle. She knows she screwed up. Big time. And, so I went in there for her. Changed the bedsheets. Grabbed her snoopy pyjamas... a reminder of undoubtedly more innocent times... and brought them up to her. That night, she lay on my bed for hours, silently weeping into her pillow... hoping that I wouldn't hear her. But, I did of course. Because I was wide awake the whole night. I mean, how could I sleep? After all that happened? With her, with Luke ...  
  
My God, Luke.  
  
I have re-enacted those 10 seconds of bliss in my head over and over and over. And, then when that wasn't enough, I tried to imagine how the third kiss would have gone. My hands entwined in his hair. His strong hands holding my lower back, pressing me into his body with all the force he could exert. Our mouths relentlessly searching for all the answers we had stored away for the past million years.  
  
Had we really been so stupid all those years? What had kept us apart? I tried to make a mental list of all the roadblocks we had encountered. Max. Christopher. Rachael. Blindness. Christopher again. Jess and Rory being together. Alex. Nicole. Jason. Stupidity. Stupidity. Stupidity. Pride. Fear. I wondered what had changed in him. Because, there was no mistaking that the Luke who had pulled me in for that warm embrace was not the same Luke who had shied away on so many earlier occasions from ever really letting me know how he truly felt. I recalled that one night eons ago, when Sookie and Jackson had their first date. He almost asked me out. And, I remember my heart stopping for that one moment when I thought he would.  
  
And, of course... I mean, of course, he wasn't the only one who shied away. I secretly loved the way he looked at me with those intense eyes. Sure, I needed him to stay alive. He was after all my drug dealer of choice. But, I need him for so much more too. I'm not sure when that all started. My dependence on him. At first, he was just Luke, or rather Duke, the diner guy who also happened to be handy. I hired him the first year that we moved into our house to fix the roof shingles. I later found out he was great at cleaning out rain gutters. And, so it went. But, obviously, the man is good at fixing more than roof shingles, rain gutters, or broken porch rails and windows. He was always there to fix ME. To bring me down to earth when no one else could, or would. To listen to my insane ramblings and confusing diatribes. To lend a hand or to lend $30,000. He did it all. And, without any strings or any expectations. I was so hurt when he told me he had moved to Litchfield with Nicole. Not only because he had moved, but it was with her... another woman. And, although, I had no right over him... he was mine. He has always been mine.  
  
Rory eventually fell asleep. And, I couldn't wait any longer. I know... I'm a terrible mother. But, I needed to see him. So, I gave her a kiss on the cheek, left her a note explaining that I needed to get back to the inn, and got ready to leave. I needed to face him. To tell him all the things I knew and understood. And, I prayed that the words would come. I just had to go.  
  
I had waited too long as it was.


	2. Chapter 2 Luke's Perspective

I have never really been much of a words person. Expressing feelings and all that... stuff. I didn't do it. I didn't like it. Honestly? It makes me nervous. The touchy-feely wasn't for me. Nope. I'd rather be... Stoic. Straightforward. Unflappable. And, normally, I succeeded in that mission. I worked hard. Was always there for my family. For my friends. I didn't need anything in return.  
  
Ahhh... But, when it comes to Lorelai... All of that goes straight to hell. Everything that I have worked so hard to be takes a backburner. She makes me crazy! She does! Crazy I tell ya... She yaks incessantly about things that I barely understand. She's constantly teasing me or referring to me as "Burger Boy" or "Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat". She's self-centered, and too cocky for her own good. I swear, she thinks that the world revolves around the Lorelai Axis. She's ..., she..., she.......  
  
She's amazing.  
  
No matter how much I have tried to deny it ... oh, and believe me, I have tried... I can't do it anymore. Well, not since I read that stupid book.  
  
Actually, to be honest, it probably wasn't such a stupid book.  
  
It's opened my eyes. Given me a kick in the keister so to speak. Made me wake up to all those damn feelings... those things that I usually refuse to acknowledge... which have been lying dormant in me for years. Years! How many years exactly? God... I don't even know.  
  
When I first met Lorelai, she was just this young mother who worked at the inn. She was a pain. Even then. For some reason, she insisted on calling me Duke! Ha! But, I felt for her. And for Rory. Gosh, I love that kid. It couldn't have been easy doing what Lorelai did. Raising Rory on her own like that? Incredible. So, for all her wackiness, I knew that beneath the surface, there was one great woman in there. At some point, our relationship became more than "coffee guy" and "customer". We became... friends.  
  
But, I was with Rachel. I loved Rachel. I really did...at first. She was gorgeous, and funny, and smart. My gut just told me that I should be with her. Unfortunately, Rachel's gut wasn't as sure as mine when it counted. Her numerous disappearing acts could give David Copperfield a run for his money. And, when she wanted me back... I couldn't give her what she needed. At the time, I didn't even realize why I was feeling so... so... wrong... about being with Rachel. I mean, she was the same person that she had always been. But, I guess ... I wasn't. Well, fundamentally, I was. But, sometime between Rachel leaving and her coming back for the last time... I had moved on. To Lorelai. And, dammit... I didn't even know it! Hey, I never said that being insightful was one of my finer traits.  
  
And, after all this time... after so many failed attempts at moving on with my life, of ridding myself of wanting Lorelai, and even getting married to another person in the process, I had decided enough was enough. I was just sick and tired of playing games. These last few weeks, I had decided to take matters into my own hands. Deep down I had always thought that Lorelai and I not being together was a timing issue. She was in a relationship. Then, I would be in a relationship. Then, she would be in a relationship. Or, we would be in a fight. Or, I would have too much fear or pride or stupidity. And, so on and so forth. But, they were all just excuses. The book made me realize that I needed to go after what I wanted. Not later, but NOW. And, the twist of fate was, that it actually was perfect timing. I had just divorced Nicole. Lorelai had just broken up with someone. And, so I did it. I took destiny into my own two hands and asked her to Liz's wedding. I told her she looked beautiful for the very first time after having thought it about a million times before. And, I asked her to dance. To dance! I had even practiced the night before. Just in case. And God dammit. It felt so good. To hold her like that. To look at her so closely. She was breathtaking.  
  
And, what happened tonight. WOW... I have had dreams about kissing Lorelai for several years. But, man, the reality was so much better than I could have ever imagined. Having her body pressed into mine. Kissing her for the first time was like finally giving in to this feeling of desperate hunger. After the first kiss, I stepped back... not knowing what my next move was going to be. My mind was racing. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. But, I didn't have to worry... because the next move was hers... and she kissed me back. She kissed me back!... And, it was more passionate than the first. Then, when we pulled apart, it was like I had finally realized what I had been missing all these years. I just wanted her so badly. I just wanted to lose myself in her. It just felt so right. So right.  
  
Damn that Kirk.  
  
It's her. It's always been her. Well, at least for some time now. She was my fantasy. She was the one. Is the one. She's ruined it for any other woman I will ever meet in my life. Even my relationship with Nicole... a total car-wreck the minute it started by the way... never lived up to my fantasy of being with Lorelai. I actually remember the day I first asked Nicole out. Just the day before, I had been teaching Lorelai how to fish. And, although I berated her on her ridiculous fishing costume, I internally admitted that she looked cute. She mentioned to me that she was learning how to fish in order to impress some Joe Schmoe. And, it hit me right then. Stop being a fool Luke Danes! Stop waiting for the fantasy. Just take what's right in front of ya! And, Nicole was it. It's kind of funny now... but definitely not at the time... to think that Nicole had been unfaithful to me. Because, in a way, my heart was never fully hers. My heart had always been unfaithful to her.  
  
Aw man... Listen to me! Talking about my heart... like a blithering idiot. See... this... THIS... is the effect of Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. This is what she does to me. This is woman who convinces me to put up signs in my front window. I HATE putting up signs in my front window! Or, to bid on her basket for one of those inane town events for heaven's sake! Or, to give pep talks at the local high school!  
  
On the other hand, she's also the woman who listens to me when I need someone to talk to. She's there by my side when noone else will be. She just... she just cares about me, ya know? And, it's nice. It's nice to have someone who cares. Because for all my stoicism... sometimes I do need someone... someone to be there for me as much as I'll be there for them.  
  
I wonder where she went? After I came back from chasing down Kirk, she was nowhere to be found. I need to see her. To talk to her. That is if the words come. What will I say? I need to find her. I just can't wait any longer.  
  
God dammit, I've waited for so long as it is. 


	3. Chapter 3 I Keep on Missing You Babe

I am not making much progress in my search for Luke. I feel like Marlin... trying to find Nemo.  
  
I got to the inn at 6 am after leaving Rory sound asleep in my bed. I searched high and low for him. Knocked on his door, lucky number 7, three times! But, nothing, nada, zip, zilch. He wasn't anywhere. I found Sookie in the kitchen beginning to prep for breakfast, and asked her if she had seen Luke. _You just missed him_, she said. He had apparently come down a bit earlier, passed Sookie in the hall, and mumbled something about needing to check up on the diner. I explained to Sookie that I had had an emergency with Rory the night before which is why I hadn't come back. She then informed me that Jason left after Michel threatened to call the police on him for loitering on the premises after he was found sleeping in the hallway.  
  
God, I knew the big stick up Michel's butt would come in handy one of these days.  
  
So, I told her to thank Michel for me, and informed her that I'd be back in an hour. I had to take care of something ASAP.  
  
Okay, Lorelai. Just go to the diner and talk to him. I was a woman on a mission. I was a Charlie's Angel – Kate Jackson of course. My goal was set out for me. TARGET: Really attractive Caucasian male. Smoldering blue eyes. Day old stubble. Tossled brown hair – usually hidden by a backwards baseball hat. Six feet tall... and built to last....  
  
OK... I'm getting off track.  
  
So, I got to the diner around 6:30am. But, only Caesar and a hand full of customers were around. Again, I was told that I had just missed Luke. Dammit! What is this, some practical joke? Is the universe playing a cruel cosmic joke on me? Well, if it is, it's NOT FUNNY!!!!  
  
Gaaaahhh... Time was ticking. I had to be back at the inn in a half hour. People were waiting. I was running an inn now. My own inn! I couldn't just run around after a guy... never mind that he could be THE guy. Wait, did I just admit to myself that Luke ... Luke "Burger Boy" Danes... could be THE guy. The One. The whole package? Wow... I think I might even love him.....  
  
Ok, ok, ok... This is tooooooo much! I'm going crazy!!! Uuggghhh... Where could he be? The man is usually so predictable. His every day schedule is usually so fixed. Wake up at 5:30am, get down to the diner, get ready to serve customers, stay in said diner pretty much all day, bark at annoying customers, flirt with Lorelai... It was a good schedule. It worked dammit!!! And, the one day, ... the ONE day, ... that I need him to be his predictable self, he decides to become Jack Kerouac?!  
  
Okay, now I'm just wandering around aimlessly. I should get back to the inn. Patrons await. I'll just have to hope he stops by the inn again. And, if he doesn't, I'll run down to the diner at lunch. This sucks!  
  
Nemo... where are you?

* * *

Where the hell is she? I waited until 5:30am for her to get back to the inn, and she never did. So, I decided enough was enough, and set out to find her.  
  
First, I went to the diner... just in case. I mean, maybe she was looking for me too? But, she wasn't there. So, maybe not. Maybe she's avoiding me, I thought. I mean, maybe this is all too much for her handle? She's run away from relationships in the past.... Why should I be any different to her? Why would I be special? Maybe I wasn't special to her at all.  
  
Let's face it. I know how I feel. I adore her. I think I might even love her. Wow... I can't believe that I even admitted that to myself. But, I did. So, now it's out there in my consciousness. I, Luke Danes, love Lorelai Gilmore.  
  
I feel sick. This was too much. I mean, what if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she ends up like Nicole? Cheating on me... deciding that suddenly I'm not good enough for her? Who's to say that some other guy won't take her away from me? Maybe she's gone back to Jason???  
  
Dammmmmit!!!! Get a grip Luke! First you gotta get the girl, before you can lose her. Concentrate. Focus. Breathe!  
  
So, I left the diner around 6:15am, after giving Caesar instructions for the morning. And, then I head out to Lorelai's house. I mean, maybe she had to crash at her own place for some reason instead of the inn right? I mean, Sookie did say that Lorelai hadn't been back all night. Dammit, I should have probably gone there first. It would have been more logical! But, then again, Logic was not on my side right now. Logic was rarely at my side when it came to Lorelai.  
  
When I got to the Gilmore house, however, noone answered the door. I peered in through the kitchen window but didn't see anyone. Great. Juuuuuust great.  
  
So, let's see. She's not at the diner. She's not at home. And, she's not at the inn. What other place is there?!  
  
Okay, now I'm just wandering around aimlessly. I've searched every store in damn Stars Hollow that is open at this hour. I even jogged by the bridge to see if she was there by any small chance. But, nothing.  
  
It's almost 7am. I need to check up on the diner. I mean, I have a business to run dammit. I can't just run around like a love-sick puppy after some girl.  
  
Even though... she may be the girl. The One.  
  
I'm just going to have to hope that she comes by the diner sometime during the day. Or, better yet, I'll go out to the inn myself. Either way... we will inevitably see each other right?  
  
God.... Lorelai, where are you?

* * *

I went by the diner around noon, but he wasn't there. All hope is lost. It's over. My life will never be the same..... AHHHHHHH..... Rory's right. I am SUCH a drama queen. I really need some chocolate. And, coffee in an IV.

* * *

I went by the inn around noon, but she wasn't there. She had been there, but now she wasn't. My head feels like it's ready to explode. I really need an apple and some iced tea.

* * *

It's past 7pm now. All the guests have eaten dinner. The run-through has officially been declared a success. I should be elated. I should be dancing on air. Or, feel like a million bucks. Or, or, or... crap. I'm out. My mind just isn't as focused on witty repartee today.  
  
I checked up on Rory earlier. Poor kid. She's been sitting in her pyjamas all day, refusing to even answer the door or pick up the phone... just in case it's Dean. She can't deal right now. Part of me just wants to protect her and make everything alright for her. But, I know that I can't do that. She's made a mess. And, she was to deal with it in her own way, and in her own time.  
  
As for me... I fully intend NOT to make a mess of my situation. Of being with Luke.  
  
I'm going back to the diner. And, God help me if he isn't there.

* * *

I keep looking out the diner windows waiting for her to come in. To make me smile. To make me laugh. She's the only person who has that effect on me. I thought about going back to the inn, but something made me stop.  
  
She's going to come. I can just feel it. I know she'll be here. And, I'll be right here too.... Just like I have been for years. Right here... waiting for her. 


	4. Chapter 4 First Encounters

It was a warm evening and the night sky was clear and beautiful. Many people were taking advantage, - strewn out across the town square, laughing and eating ice cream. And, as I walked into town, I could see a dim light inside Luke's empty diner. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. Breathe Lorelai. Just breathe. Everything's going to be okay... It has to be okay.  
  
My heart is pounding a mile a minute. In fact, I think I have an entire freakin marching band in there. As I approach the door, I can see him wiping down the counters... and a smile washes over my face. I can actually feel myself grinning like an idiot. God... it's a nice feeling. When was the last time I was so excited to see a man?  
  
As I reach for the doorknob, a wave of hesitation washes over me. Please God...let me NOT screw this up.  
  
I slowly push the door forward and hear the tiny bells jingle over my head...

* * *

I'm vigorously wiping away at the counters when the bells jingle above the diner door. My heart stops for just a second, and I slowly look up. Lorelai.  
  
I want to say something... My mouth is agape. I feel ridiculous... but, nothing comes out. I'm just staring at her. Her hair is beautiful and wavy around her face... I love it when she wears it like that.  
  
She's smiling at me, and I can see that her cheeks are flushed, as though she's apprehensive. She slowly walks over to the counter and sits on one of stools. And, as I stand there right behind the counter and facing her, our eyes lock for what seems like an eternity.  
  
I could stare into those eyes all night.

* * *

"You know, you're a hard man to track down Luke Danes". I finally hear the words stumble shyly from my lips.  
  
He smiles back, and softly says, "I could say the same about you."  
  
I grin coyly. "What? That I'm a hard man to track down?"  
  
He laughs. "Lorelai," he says with a mock stern face. "You know what I mean."  
  
I take a second to look at him. I mean, to realllly look at him. He suddenly looks different than I've ever seen him before. His blue eyes, if I'm not mistaken, are more yearning than ever. His face is somehow softer.  
  
"So...," I didn't know where to go with this.  
  
"So...," He echoed back. Staring at me intently, he suddenly did something unexpected.  
  
His right hand reached out over the counter that separated our bodies and ever so gradually took hold of mine.

* * *

I wasn't sure what I was doing. It was as if my hand had a mind of its own. I looked at our hands resting there together, and then I looked up at her. She appeared as though she was in shock.  
  
"Are you okay?," I whispered.  
  
She nodded. "I am." And, then, as if to prove her point, she took the hand that was beneath mine and laced her fingers with my own.  
  
In that moment, I swear ... if that counter hadn't been between us.  
  
"Why didn't you get back last night?" I questioned softly. "I waited for you, but you never came."  
  
Her eyes darted away, and I could feel her tense up. Had I said something wrong?  
  
"Is everything alright?" I prodded.

* * *

I looked away wistfully. "Things are...a bit messed up." Luke's eyes were now filled with concern and compassion.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked immediately.  
  
I just closed my eyes and shook my head. "It concerns Rory. And, it's not.. it's not something that I can discuss. Not now."  
  
I re-opened my eyes when I felt him unlock his hands from mine. He was walking slowly around the counter... towards me.  
  
Settling down on the stool beside me, he once again took my hand. "I understand. But, if you ever need to talk... I'm here."  
  
I felt a warmth surround my heart. He's always been there for me. He IS always there for me.  
  
"Thank you." My words were barely audible.  
  
We sat there for a while, holding hands in silence. It was odd to think that only the night before our feelings had been expressed with two passionate kisses. And, now, our feelings for one another were just as apparent simply by holding hands.

* * *

She gazed into my eyes just then. "Luke... I wanted to come back last night. I need you to know that. I didn't run away from you. I mean, God knows what you must have thought." She suddenly got up from her stool and paced a few steps. "I need you to know that I ... I ... I wasn't hiding from you... from us."  
  
I got up and stood inches before her, reaching lightly for her shoulders. "I wasn't hiding either," I said softly. "In fact, the last thing I want right now is to hide from this. I've been hiding from this for far too long."  
  
She smiled. "I think we both have. Lord knows that this town has a long- standing pool on when we would get together. Maybe we should let them squirm for a while longer. What do you say?" Her eyes danced with mischief.  
  
I slowly pulled her towards me, and held her in my arms. "Drag this out longer? Not a chance."

* * *

As we closed the distance between us, we somehow found ourselves positioned exactly as we had the night before, - when we were about to kiss for the third time. His hands grasped my waist, and my arms were wrapped around his broad shoulders.  
  
Only now, there was nothing and noone to stop us.

* * *

Our lips drew closer and closer, and when they finally touched, our entire bodies followed their lead, crashing into one another. The kisses were soft at first, and then emblazoned with passion.  
  
Whatever I had gone through to get to this moment was worth it.

Lorelai was worth it.

* * *

Every inch of me just wanted desperately to hold on to him, and I never wanted to let him go. I just wanted to lose myself in his embrace. I could stay like this forever. The whole day of frustration seemed so long ago. It didn't matter any more. This was exactly where I wanted to be. With him.  
  
With Luke.  
  
Everything had been worth the wait.

* * *

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who supported this fanfiction! I greatly appreciate all the positive reviews. I hope you enjoyed the ending! 


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